Disclaimer: The subject of this post is human sexuality in the context of Christian belief. It is intended for mature audiences. If you are under the age of 18 you should have your parents read it and judge if it is appropriate for you to read. Parents, lighten up about this with your teens because quite frankly I am trying to undo a lot of Christian mistakes in informing and educating people about sex. You have been warned and encouraged, enter at your own risk. Also, I am by no means a sexual expert, just a guy who has been married to the same woman for 25 years and a pastor who has for what ever reason been exposed to a lot of sexual issues during his ministry. If you don’t find your answer here, keep searching there is probably someone out there that has it.
The nature of this series is changing to reflect more of an open feel to the topics presented. I have hit the high points of the nature and some of the more common issues, but sexual practice is a large subject as human beings are very creative when it comes to something they do and enjoy doing like sex. I am going to move forward in this series but leave it open to answer questions or deal with issues that readers might have. This series I going to always stay open because of this. You the reader are free to ask any question or suggest a topic. I will tell you what I know and think and you are certainly welcome to comment, call me crazy or a genius as you see fit. If there is no comment or topic to deal with then I will simply post on something that interests me and being male this topic will probably interest me until Jesus returns.
If you haven’t noticed, people are particularly interested in being someone else or being with someone else from time to time and that is particularly true with sex. If there is a commonality to sexual fantasy it is a desire to be with someone else or be someone else yourself. Role playing in the bedroom is an outlet for these fantasies and I don’t think this is harmful in principle, it is the specific applications that may be a problem. There are so many role play scenarios when it comes to sex that I have no desire to answer them all in this post but this post will be more of a general principles post about all role play in the bedroom in Christian marriage context.
On a practical level, role-playing in a sexual context takes far more effort at times than ‘simpler’ versions of sexual practice. It might involve outfits, props and even a little acting. This probably means to engage in role play you are going to need more time to set up, act out and clean up afterwards. There is simply also the fact that there may be some expense involved although I have seen and heard of some pretty inexpensive ways to act out a fantasy so money does not need to be an obstacle as one of the more simple things is to use a blindfold or close your eyes and pretend. It really is only limited to your creativity and what you are willing to do. Speaking of which, as always the most practical thing is that you should probably either have talked about the role play situation or know that it is something you spouse fantasizes about if you want surprise factor. Having children is a concern as well. Explaining what you are doing can be hard enough when your kids catch you having sex, try adding a role play fantasy on top of it and it can amount to quite a lot of explaining. Personally I would recommend that roleplay be purely a ‘we are alone in the house’ activity.
From a mental or emotional standpoint this can open you up to a lot of challenges. Being creative and learning what works for you and your spouse can be half the fun of this. The other half is learning from what fantasies can be done in reality and what are purely fantasy. It also leads you in coming to a better understanding of yourself and your spouse as to what they enjoy, but even more fun is asking the why you or they enjoy what they enjoy. Role play can be about more than the mental challenge of pulling off a fantasy or the emotions that are released doing that fantasy, it can also be about the revelations about you as a couple that come out. As you role play, there are revelations that can be quite eye-opening about yourself and your spouse and so role play can be a tool for learning about yourselves as a couple. This has its benefits, chief among them is the defense they give against boredom or the same ole same ole so you approach it with a little more excitement.
Spiritually, this opens up a deeper exploration as the why questions are answered. Why is it that you prefer roles that are dominate or authoritative while your spouse prefers the opposite. It might be that you actually enjoy both sides of that equation. What does that say about your relationship as a couple outside the bedroom? Do the roles your take or like say something about you as a wife or husband? Do you like to role play things that are the opposite of your public life and why is that? Do you like being the villain in role-playing and what does that say about you? The spiritual soul-searching that can result form this stuff can be quite revealing to you, your spouse and your marriage. Just remember that this soul-searching should not be done in the context of the actual role play, that is the time to simply enjoy, there is always time to reflect later or before hand.
From a social point of view, it is interesting that there are all kinds of reactions to role play. In secular society, the reaction is going to be mixed. Some people don’t have a problem with basic role play type stuff or the stuff that is more commonly seen as sexual role play, but even secular people can sometimes look at the truly bizarre role play scenarios with a raised eyebrow. They may not openly judge you but don’t feel it odd if they suddenly keep their distance. This probably another good reason to keep this stuff very private between the two of you. Church society is another matter as quite frankly because of the nature of sex I have never heard anyone talk about sexual role play in all my years in the church. Good grief, sex as a topic is either whispered or silence quickly. I can only imagine the negative backlash if the church became aware of a couples role play habits in the bedroom, but at the same time I maintain it really is not any of their business. But it does speak to another problem that the church is not going to help you on this one and the information you are going to get is going to be from the secular side of the aisle and it is not going to always be Christian friendly.
What is interesting from a male-female perspective is that certain roles seem to dominate in one sex that do not necessarily appear in the opposite sex which brings up the most practical advice I can give on any sexual endeavor between two people, you need to communicate and also be willing to do something that may not be your fantasy or something you are even attracted to in the first place. If this is going to be an area of your Christian Marriage Bed, then understand that sometimes it is going to be about you and other times it is going to be about your spouse. In this you are not going to be satisfied at times with the role you are called to play, but you need to remember that also at times it is going to be the other way around. Communication is key here if you are ever going to build some trust and cooperation but also if your ever going to find that common fantasy or fantasy roles that might mesh together you are going to have to talk about it.
Finally, don’t spend all you time here or on the same fantasy. Role play is fine for a while but coming back to being yourselves as lovers is also important. Dwelling forever on the same fantasy also indicates a problem and it can also get dull. You can begin to blur the lines of reality if you do not come back to the real world from time to time. Escapism is fine in limited doses to explore yourself and your spouse but the whole point is to be more in love with who you both really are after all is said and done. It is after all the goal of the Christian marriage bed to be more one flesh because of everything you do and role play is just one way to do that.