The mythology of Sisyphus seems pretty appropriate these days for my life. You know the guy who keeps rolling the rock to the top of the hill and then the gods pick up the rock and roll it back to the bottom so that he has to start all over again. It seems I am at the same place staring at the boulder at the bottom of the hill and getting ready to roll it back to the top but the possibility that I might be right back at the bottom very soon causes me to stop and wonder why I should even start. It seems that as I look at things that all I can see is the frustration of doing a lot of work for no results so I don’t even start.
I guess I should take comfort in the fact I haven’t been cursed by Zeus to roll the rock up the hill for all eternity but thee type of frustration I am feeling is there. The couple of years have been like that. There have been a lot of things I have wanted in the past two years and as I look around I have not achieved any of them. Part of this is my own lack of discipline which is why I continue to look at that problem but other parts of it are things I have lost that I want to go back to what they were. I really cannot speak too much more on this issue because it would violate a couple of rules I have about writing about things pertaining to family, my church and my marriage. Rules which are in place it protect everyone’s feelings and not cause further problems like I have in the past with these issues. The problem is I really need to vent about these things but have no outlet to do so. So I turn to the rock and get ready through my own effort to try to roll it up the hill and this time fool the gods into making it stay at the top.
Starting with fitness I have achieved nothing much this year. I have regressed almost back to the point I was five years ago. Not quite because the muscle is still there it is just not as firm as it once was and I am not sure where my motivation went. It just sort of evaporated and I am not sure why other than the possibility that other things are bothering me so much it is undercutting my emotions in staying motivated. I miss how I felt when I was truly in shape but now it is like I wonder what is the point of rolling the rock to the top of the hill. I really need to find what went wrong here because I am not headed a good direction here right now and that needs to change but for the life of me I am not sure how. Raw Discipline? That seems too much like rolling the rock up the hill other than Sisyphus must have gotten a hell of a physique over time.
Writing has been good but these days I sit down and blog and wonder where I am at with it. Has writing on this blog done much for me? This is no doubt very therapeutic in some regards except when I need to write on forbidden topics and then I feel like he boulder just slipped through my fingers and is on the bottom of the hill again. I guess I do have a fictional outlet from time to time with the Theology Pub but it doesn’t always work as I can’t just twist the story to fit my personal angst all the time. Book writing is something else again but my frustration with that is doing something that is truly profitable in all senses of the word and I am too much of a perfectionist with something I want to get published.
Money is the biggest frustration and I am starting to realize my career choice is going to hold me back in that regard no matter what I do. Being a pastor has never been good financially for me. It is even more so these days. I love my people but I have been working for the same wage for six years. I don’t know too many careers that would do that to you and still expect you not to look for something else but this is what I have done because I love my people. This is one where I truly do feel like Sisyphus. It is that faith thing I am supposed to have as a pastor but I feel like I am running out myself so I am not sure how I can help others with it. I need a second job that helps financially but does not interfere with ministry. Unfortunately I also have that annoying buzzing sound that says maybe it is time to change careers while I am young enough to do so.
The only thing going well, and that could get jerked out right from under my feet on election day, is my involvement with the school board. Election Day will bring at least one new person on the board and possibly two. There are two incumbents and two new candidates (four people total) trying to get three seats. The only thing to avoid here is not being the loser. I don’t know how people have felt about my decisions. As Vice President I get quoted a lot in the paper so I am sure people know where I stand. The issue is all the political mechanization that I don’t know about. I guess we will have to see on election day. I am good staying on the board but if I lose I am not so emotionally invested that it would devastate me to be off it.
So now I find myself looking at the rock and the hill and wondering how to get the one on top of the other. I would like some other answers other than the frustrating ones I am getting but sometimes the situation is what it is and you have to deal with it. I hate that as a person who wants to change the situation. But I wonder how to do so without upsetting the whole apple cart right now so I am left with the rock and the hill and me.
Here I go. Shoulder to the rock. Push.