Disclaimer: The subject of this post is human sexuality in the context of Christian belief. It is intended for mature audiences. If you are under the age of 18 you should have your parents read it and judge if it is appropriate for you to read. Parents, lighten up about this with your teens because quite frankly I am trying to undo a lot of Christian mistakes in informing and educating people about sex. You have been warned and encouraged, enter at your own risk. Also, I am by no means a sexual expert, just a guy who has been married to the same woman for 25 plus years and a pastor who has for what ever reason been exposed to a lot of sexual issues during his ministry. If you don’t find your answer here, keep searching there is probably someone out there that has it.
This falls into the category of ‘someone asked, so I will try to answer’. The question was raised about what is the spiritual significance of various sexual practices and the first one listed was oral sex. So the question is whether or not there is some spiritual significance to the action of oral sex. Does it say something spiritually when a woman does fellatio to her husband or a man does cunnilingus to his wife?
I want to go back a little and point out that my beliefs about human sexuality are that sex is more than about physical fun and enjoyment although those things are true. Part of the action of sexuality is also emotional, mental and spiritual. For a married couple all sexuality is about closer intimacy in all areas of life and spirituality is part of that. This question is more about the specific act of oral sex and its spiritual significance or possible spiritual significance. From a biblical point of view, the subject of oral sex is not addressed. The act is not forbidden or endorsed by the bible in any way so we are left with other biblical principles to guide us.
The main thing people point out that oral sex is not true sex so it really not about procreation so it should be forbidden. The Catholic church has forbidden full fellatio for instance because they believe this is murder as the sperm discharged are wasted. Unfortunately for them this happens regardless of sex and how many sperm are wasted in actual sex before a child s produced. This is a case of dogma trumping both common sense in the absence of any Biblical offering. Sorry does not follow this is murder.
Other’s discount oral sex because they see it as selfish and thus not to be engaged in by real Christians looking to show their love to one another. Well, to be honest sex itself can be engaged in for selfish reasons and so the idea that oral sex is inherently selfish seems to fall apart as all sex can be selfish. More importantly though is selfish from whose perspective?
The ‘giver’ of oral sex is not being selfish. He or she might be expecting the same in return but this would not be selfish so much as expectation of mutual gratification. The giver in the act of oral sex is really getting nothing out of it as far as sexual stimulation at the time. Some people enjoy giving oral sex but is this any different form anyone who gives and enjoys the act of giving. Oral sex if it has any spiritual element it is this aspect of giving and receiving. Jesus’ words of ‘it is better to give than receive’ become a valid principle one would suppose. Truth is the person giving oral sex is actually giving something to the person receiving and this is considered better.
So does the receiver of oral sex show selfishness? Not really. One there is the possibility in a couple working toward mutual love that the action will be reciprocated but even if not it is no more selfish than a person who receives a gift on Christmas morning. For someone to give and know the joy of giving, there has to be a receiver. In oral sex this is just as true.
The problem is when someone does not like to give this gift. This is understandable as oral sex is at best a messy prospect for some. It seems unsavory to others and so it does dwell in the realm of something that one should not expect if your spouse is unwilling but there is something to consider here. I ran into this problem many years ago in a e-mail that was sent to me form a parishioner who said she enjoyed oral sex from her husband but hated to give it in return. It was causing some frustration in their marriage because she was refusing to act but was expecting her husband to still do it to her. Now this is selfish and if you are uncomfortable giving oral sex to your spouse don’t be too disappointed or put pressure on them to perform for you. This was a simple case of one person being willing to receive but not to give and in spiritual life this create imbalance that will cause problems in a marriage. In the particular case above the woman ultimately saw the problem and rather than give up the pleasure her husband gave her simply worked on giving pleasure to him. Eventually she began to know the joy of it because as she put it: “he seemed to get better with me once the act was mutually engaged and enjoyed.
Perhaps this is the biggest spiritual lesson from oral sex but I think it equally applies to all sexual practice. If it is mutual and about giving rather than receiving more enjoyment is gained for both people.
Practically, oral sex does have some advantages over other forms of sex. Because it is considered a giving action, oral sex could be considered a gift in many situations. It also has the advantage it is nearly impossible to get pregnant from it. It should be noted that sexual diseases, however can still be transferred so the safest place to practice it is still between to people engaged in love for life – known to most of us as marriage. It should also be noted however that it is a skill like any other and a little advice and practice to make it more enjoyable and easier to give. It is definitely a good way to learn what truly stimulates your spouse as you are in a better position to observe what you are doing and how they are reacting to it.