This was a better week for blog writing and so I am happy with that. I have also spent a lot of time in prayer and thought this week about some of the direction of my life and then fact that a lot of entanglements being removed has placed me in a place of freedom to change course and direction. I look at it as an opportunity now for maybe some effective change in my life rather than a time of disappointment. The rundown:
Finances – I have now opened myself up to the possibility of second church after my first one at 9am. Many churches have 11am services so it is a possibility as long as it is a non-denominational church or one that does not care if it has an independent pastor in the pulpit. Someone mentioned to me the thought of planting an church, but I have reservations against that because I am not sure how much longer I will be in the ministry. More on that in a minute other than no one at my church should get alarmed at that statement as I am not going anywhere soon or even in the next couple years so it is not a statement of departure but of prayerful consideration of God’s desires for my life. Changes of this magnitude involve a lot of time and patience to do them right. I simply am saying that perhaps God is moving me on to something else to help me prepare for my old age and be retirement ready. I have served him up to this point fairly faithfully but the financial side of ministry at least for me has been pretty crappy, so perhaps he will release me to take care of myself because of this.
Family – I am not sure about how much I can reveal about my family other than I love them but sometimes I wish they would respect my desires more. I guess in part it is my own fault as I do not get angry and fly into a rage when things don’t go my way. I suppose that could leave the impression that I don’t mind or it does not bother me, but I do mind and it does bother me. I really can’t blame them completely if they are getting the wrong message. At the same time I don’t think I should have to throw a fit for them to respect that I might not like what is going on and they should at least ask me what I think before they make a decision that affects me or my stuff. Sometimes I feel they are taking advantage of my nature. I have had something I have wanted to do for three years because of this problem and I have had to put my desires on hold because other family members are not listening to the fact I disapprove of the situation. I can’t go into it more than that but I would like things to change soon because it is starting to bother me more and more and it is affecting my relationship with some family members negatively. Sorry to be selfish but the death of my grandmother and standing at my father’s grave has kind of reminded me the clock is ticking on my life and my family’s life and if things I want are going to be achieved, I need to remember time waits for no man.
Celebration– If I have celebrated anything it is in my wonder for my granddaughter. She is growing up so fast and becoming such a active and busy little girl. I love her curiosity and spirit. I think she is going to give her parents a run for their money because she is also smart. I love that too. She is wonderful and free and I want to do everything I can to see that she enjoys her freedom and grows up smart and true to herself.
Spiritual Discipline – Praying and meditating a lot abut direction. If any relationship is tight right now it is my relationship with God. The only issue there is God is pretty quiet and I sense he is watching what I will do more on my own more than wanting to be overly dictatorial in his directions to me.
Ministry – I will be honest I feel like a complete failure this year at getting anywhere with the church. I failed to get second service going, I failed to integrate contemporary elements to the service the way I felt it should be and I think I have seen some things as to the nature of my church that I don’t like because of it. I can’t help asking if there was such a strong reaction to forty some things trying to get some contemporary songs in the service, what would happen if I actually had twenty some things show up and try to get something in they liked? I don’t like any of the answers and that disturbs me greatly. It disturbs me enough to have a plan b for myself, my main issue there is not to defy God so much as realize people don’t always do what God wants or what is in the best interests of the church. I have learned that from painful experience and I want to make sure I don’t get personally destroyed as a result this time.
Leadership – What’s next? Well I do have to finish out my term and there are definitely some things I want to finish up on the School Board. I however have to freely admit I also love politics in the sense o like the process by which decisions are made in this country. I think I am a good board member but a lousy politician at times because I think transparency is a better way to go when presenting yourself. I am considering going back to school but I want to be more knowledgeable about government, how it works and what can be done to protect the rights of citizens. I actually have become quite fascinated by the subject and am thinking of a political science degree. It is a pretty flexible degree as I could go a lot of different directions with it from law, to finance, to public relations, to municipal management, to actual politics plus a few more like journalism. I have a couple years before the next election cycle so I could get an education why I am waiting to decided what to do next.
I think I am over the doldrums and just in the phase where I am frustrated with the problems but trying to find solutions. It is still about navigating the Y’s in the road but I am starting to sort through them.