I am not sure how else to describe it. I guess others have called it melancholy but that would imply depression and I don’t know if that is what I am feeling these days. It is more of an uneasy boredom coupled with energetic excitement. I call “The Grey”. I used to get depressed back when my father first died quite a bit. I don’t think my family knew how to handle it and I certainly didn’t receive much help from my church or pastor at the time. Eventually I came out of it on my own but I know what depression feels like and this is not depression. For me I think it stems from the fact that the school year is ended and I need a new learning fix and I am rapidly working through the things I picked to the point that all the reading on my reading list may very well be done before the end of May let alone June. This whole college thing has reignited my passion to read if nothing else and that is a good thing.
The other thing that goes into The Grey, is when I read or watch something that is particularly emotionally resonating to me. I just finished Saturday the Hunger Games movies and I have to say that it hit me where it counts in this regard as the main character resonated with me quite intensely. I understood the character’s struggles , frustrations and fears. It had a rather twisted way of taking me back to my childhood. A few movies and shows do that every time. This list includes Babylon 5 the Series, Hook the film and now I would say the Hunger Games. I can’t tell you why specifically with any of these, but I know I am not be able to watch them without feeling The Grey.
Now you would think I would consider this a bad thing but I don’t. The Grey simply is neither good or bad to me. It usually signals that my spiritual state is changing, if that makes any sense and so I am listless, bored and at times melancholy but it is also mixed with curiosity, energy and at times – joy. I wish I could explain it better than that but you know what I mean if you have experienced it. It is like being on path that is covered in fog. You know you are walking it, but you can’t see where it leads so you are afraid and excited at the same time.
The Spirit Rundown:
Spiritual Disciplines: Lots of meditation on my walks this week.
Celebration: My son’s bachelor party is this week which means he will be home and I can’t wait because I do miss him being around. Soon he will be married and I couldn’t be more happy for him.
Ministry: I have two Sundays and I will be on sabbatical, hiatus or whatever I am calling it. All I know is that I need this month off desperately and it has caused me to realize that I will be taking at least two weeks vacation every year from now on.
Leadership: Had a board meeting last Monday. It was OK but I find the MOISD less intense than RCAPS. I guess that is why I am running for the RCAPS office again.
Blessings and Cheers!!!