The Christian Marriage Bed – Part 17 – Sexual Practice – BDSM – S is for Submission.

Disclaimer: The subject of this post is human sexuality in the context of Christian belief.  It is intended for mature audiences.  If you are under the age of 18 you should have your parents read it and judge if it is appropriate for you to read.  Parents, lighten up about this with your teens because quite frankly I am trying to undo a lot of Christian mistakes in informing and educating people about sex.  You have been warned and encouraged, enter at your own risk.  Also, I am by no means a sexual expert, just a guy who has been married to the same woman for 25 plus years and a pastor who has for what ever reason been exposed to a lot of sexual issues during his ministry.  If you don’t find your answer here, keep searching there is probably someone out there that has it.

Once again I want to remind everyone I am not giving advice on techniques of BDSM or opinion involving equipment, etc.  My primary purpose is to ask the question: Can Christian couples engage in this practice in the context of there marriage and would such practice be beneficial?  Given that is all I am trying to do, if you looking for anything else you have come to the wrong place.  If you are asking the above question yourself and wanting to know if the concepts of BDSM are Biblical, then stick around I might have some answers, maybe even good ones.  😉

Submission is the second half of D/s notation.  It is the concept in BDSM that involves submission to the Master of the relationship.  Many folks argue the problems with this in the context of slavery always being bad but the notion is not absolute slavery necessarily and in the real simple way of relationships, there is always one person who is dominant and another who is submissive.  This is simply true and it is not always obvious who is what and that is true in BDSM as well.  Just because the wife is dressed as Dominatrix and holding a whip does not mean she is the dominate overall in the relationship.  It also should be noted that submission may only be in the sexual context whether this is narrowly defined or widely defined may vary.  A man may very well be submissive in the area of his bedroom but in everything else in the household, he is the dominate person.  The opposite is also true and in truth there is no single one size fits all formula that fits any relationship when it comes to dominance and submission.

The Bible often gets blasted for its seeming supporting of slavery.  I am not sure this is true slavery as Americans or other countries would conceive it in their past.  The Old Testament slave was someone who had gone into debt in some way and couldn’t pay it so they SOLD THEMSELVES into slavery to pay it off.  More of what in more recent human history would be called an indentured servant.  In the New Testament, Paul and others advocate that slaves be obedient but in the context of the Roman Empire where 90% of the people in it were slaves in some way shape or form, what else could be said?  It simply fits the Christian notion that they were not against the Roman government but to be good citizens.  That said, the notion of the bond-slave specifically would apply to the idea od willful submission to someone else’s dominance and control.  When we get to the New Testament, the concepts for the submissive are even more prevalent than for the dominant.

In part this is because Jesus adds some discussion to this with the idea presents in one of his parables that servants can be given responsibilities that they will later be held accountable for.  Matthew 25 in particular has this idea repeated three different ways that Jesus as the King will have the power to hold people accountable for what they did to be ready for his return.  This is also countered with the idea that if Jesus frees someone they are free indeed.  The point that we get biblically is that Jesus frees us from the bondage of sin, truly and genuinely frees us and our reasonable response to this should be to become bond-slaves to him.  The choice is ultimately free all the way around.  The master freely gives the slave freedom, but in return the slave gives his or her freedom back to the master.  In this case it is an act of worship.

There are also of course the more direct commands of the New Testament to slaves to consider.

Slaves, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in the sincerity of your heart, as to Christ; not by way of eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart. With good will render service, as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that whatever good thing each one does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether slave or free. Ephesians 6:5-8.

The implications for the slave of any type are many.  The slave is required to serve with fear and sincerity, not trying to just put on show but genuinely serve from the heart.  It is to be done by the Christian slave as if they were serving Christ with an eye on the fact that reward and punishment ultimately comes from the God.

All who are under the yoke as slaves are to regard their own masters as worthy of all honor so that the name of God and our doctrine will not be spoken against. 1 Timothy 6:1

This verse requires honor toward masters from slaves with the reason being given that God is not to be defamed by the salves behavior.

The point of all this is that the salve should serve willfully and joyfully so that God’s gospel is not to be dragged through the  mud.  The idea that we are all servants or slaves in some way to God is present in the reasoning here.  To disobey in any context of God -given authority is something that could cause the ultimate master problems in some way.

In the context of Christian marriage we have to consider the following as well:

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.  Ephesians 5:22-24.

Peter gets into the act here as well.

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. 1 Peter 3:1-6

Peter is actually more informative than Paul on wives being submissive but both hit the idea that submissiveness to one’s husbands should be as if you were submitting to God.  While not stated directly, the language used implicates that when a woman enters into a Christian marriage she is willfully choosing to be the bond-servant of her husband as well as to God.  In all reality the Christian wife finds herself submitted to two masters.  Her husband and God are both in authority over her, but as I pointed out with the last post, the husband is also under the authority of God which puts him in the position of not giving an order to his wife that God would not give.  This ultimately allows the wife to ‘disobey’ a command of her husband if such a command violates the commands of God.  This however, given Peter’s words, should only be done with the greatest amount of soul searching.  To fail to submit might mean the cost of an unbelieving husbands soul.  The submissive Christian wife needs to be very sure that what she is doing is still under the authority of God if not under the authority of her husband.

The fact is there is a challenge to being the submissive in a relationship and that is juggling the fact that one authority is greater than the other.  If however, the husband is also Christian he too is dealing with the fact he must also be submissive.  The fact is once again the Bible illustrates that even the dominant has some things he must submit to and respect.

This is reflected in BDSM in a couple areas:

1) The use of the safe word.  Often the submissive is given a safe word which allows him or her to bail out of a situation if it seems too uncomfortable or something that they deem outside the previously agreed to boundaries of the relationship.  When that happens, the submissive speaks the safe word to let the dominate know that the encounter is over.  In many ways in the BDSM community this is something that should never be used on a whim and as a manipulation of the dominate.  To do so start to erode the trust factor in the relationship.  There is a gravity that is very high when a submissive uses the safe word and I might be considered at the same level when a wife should disobey her husband although in a different context.

2) The fact that before a BDSM relationship gets started the rules are clearly discussed.  The idea that there are rules on both sides of the relationship and are established ahead of time and discussed from time to time and if violated can mean the end of the relationship or disciplinary action being invoked, is much like when one accepts being in a Christian marriage.  The dominate or husband cannot simply violate those rules because he is dominate, but nor can the submissive violate those rules without similar consequences.

The couple that declares their marriage is Christian in nature needs to remember that that means husbands loving and honoring their wives and wives being respectful and submissive to their husbands.  If that same couple also enters a BDSM relationship in the Christian Marriage Bed, these principles still apply.  That is why I think the idea of safe words and clear understandings ahead of time of the rules would be mandatory issues for the Christian Married couple who wants to BDSM to be a part of their relationship.

For the Christian husband who wishes to be submissive in the context of BDSM there is the fact that both these concepts then also allow him to remain the head of his marriage.  He can always invoke a safe word to protect his being the head of his marriage or he feels his wife has violated that idea.  It gives him the opportunity to understand his wife’s role better but also remain the head in many ways. He also can look at what it means in his role for him to be submissive to God.  This would be one way to explore the two sides of his coin of his role as husband.

To me, however, the most natural and most beneficial relationship context involving BDSM for understanding responsible domination and proper submission is with the husband as the D and the wife as the s.  If BDSM is used in this way it lines up more closely lines up with the Bible; however, the opposite would allow for much better understanding of your spouse’s role in Christian marriage.  Both ways give options for exploration of your relationship as a married couple particularly what it means to have authority and what it means to submit to it.  I understand that the sexual context can make this seem awkward but I can think of no better arena than our most intimate times as a couple to explore these ideas and have a little adult fun doing it at the same time.

So far I would have to say that the Bible if it does not directly support the Idea of BDSM certainly does not speak against it.  In fact certain concepts in the Bible seem to parallel some concepts in BDSM.  The thing is that the Bible brings is that respect and trust must always be a part of the relationship and this is true if the Christian couple gets into BDSM as a way of exploring their relationship and enjoyment in sex.  The one letter that remains however, seems to challenge this idea and will be the subject of the next post.

Next: M is for Masochism